We all know which ones are the best, we sing them every year. Slade, Band Aid, Rage against the Machine (remember that online rebellion? Good times), East 17, Mariah Carey, Wham!, Bing Crosby. And we love them all because everyone knows the words (…ish), and they also remind us of our favourite time of year.
But what about the bad Xmas number ones? Pushed to the back of our minds like some forgotten strain of bad-taste flu that took hold of the nation and drove us mad to the point of allowing comedy show mascots to take the top spot at the most important time of year for the music charts.
So just for hilarity, and perhaps even nostalgia’s sake, we trolled through the music underworld for some of the nation’s weirdest festive musical moments. Times when we all sat around the dinner table, adjusted our paper hats and thought, “how did we let that happen?”.
Mr Blobby – “Mr Blobby” (1993)
Thankfully some of you will be too young to remember this one. The pink one’s rise to popularity as comic relief to Noel Edmund during his “House Party” reached its peak when he managed to grab the top spot with this “classic”. He was the mascot kids loved, and adults loved to hate. It’s worth watching, if nothing more than for a rueful appearance from Jeremy Clarkson at the start.
Benny Hill – “Ernie” (1971)
Another one from tv to stage, Benny Hill’s naughty narrative might just be to some what is known as a cult classic, with its nostalgic look back at the innuendo-rich comedy of the seventies. But that hasn’t stopped it becoming one of Xmas’ forgotten children, and a song that does nothing except make your grandparents grin and throw each other looks over the rim of their sherry glasses.
Spice Girls – “Too much” (1997)
Riding on the back of their “hit” film Spice World, Britain’s greatest nineties export reached the top of the charts in 1997. Only the Beatles managed three consecutive Christmas number ones before the Spice Girls came along, and it seems that fans were blind in their devotion as people went out in their droves to queue up and pick their copy. That’s right kids, people actually had to go out and buy things in the nineties. Shocker.
Bob the Builder – “Can we fix it?” (2000)
Turns out the answer was “yes they can” for a short while, as Neil Morrisey’s stalwart tradesman climbed the ranks to reign high at Christmas. It’s the sort of song that almost makes you grateful that X Factor came in and took over the party. It’s like kids tv meets “Vindaloo”. And that’s not a good thing.
Cliff Richard – “Mistletoe and Wine” (1988)
Is this a bad song, or is it an absolute classic? Well, it was voted by some as the most despised Christmas song, so that should say something. Either way, it’s the epitome of cheese and the swaying melody is dripping in Christmassy joy. And to think he famously kept people entertained during a rainy Wimbledon afternoon. We’re joking of course…love you Cliff!